It took 4 years to get to this point. Lots of late nights, and extra work. I'll finally be able to cross the stage. Get a well-paying residency at a good hospital. The cumulation of a particular path.

It feels hollow.

I experimented with the Caduceus, and the differences with it on and off. I'm pretty sure with it, anyone trained in first aid can do as well as I can after 4 years of med school. As well as I could in a surgical suite, when they just have a first aid kid.  I could make a lot more artifacts with the Caduceus effect. They don't seem to wear out. I make 1 of these and give it to a hospital, and they'll save more in a year than I could working for them. If I sold it, I'm pretty sure I could get more than I could in a year too. I learned to make it in a month and could make several a month if that is what I decided to devote all my resources to.

So much of what I was before matters less now. And I fucking love it. I'm going to be able to do so much more than I thought.

Blake is taking me to the gun range later. If I'm in this life, I got to be in it. Scruples about guns aren't worth the chance of failure it brings.

Was concerned after a few emails didn't get a response for a bit. Turns out she died mysteriously. On a contract almost certainly.

Fuck I did what I could. That necklace should have ensured that any doctor would be able to put her back together. Now it's who knows where.

That's gonna be me one day. Gone mysteriously, hopefully leaving behind a lot of tools. Tools that will save lives, and make the world better. Way better than I can.

I've done the math. Under reasonable assumptions, it makes sense to focus on making sure I can survive. And to be fair, Diana wasn't the most focused.

No, that's the bad way to think about it. It's a matter of odds. If you win 80% of the time, there is a 30% chance you won't fail once if you try 5 times. That's what contracts are, a gamble. And every time the gamble will make sense for the world. I can make the odds better, and that is my focus for the next few missions. If it increases my chance of surviving, it increases the expected good I can do.

I should do more. I'm gonna die too. I need to delay that as much as possible.

I'm gonna get Blake to give me some combat training.

And get some emergency first responder training.

I have a unique opportunity, I need to get every skill I can if it will keep me alive.

I need to talk to people a lot on contracts. I haven't really needed to much before this point in my life. But now, it's not just useful, it can literally be a matter of life or death. So I've taken up some improv.

Xem has been doing it for years, so I join her meetings (when I have time). I've also been reading books, and attending hospital trainings. Also attending some toast masters/ other miscellaneous. I've really been going all out, and I think it's been working. Turns out most of what you need to do in order to navigate the social world is to be nice, and pretend that things are fine. If I need to do this, I can learn it.

I need to learn it. But yeah, I've been doing some improv. Might join a Table top game that Xem is in. It feels silly, but I need to practice somehow, and this feels like it's working.

It's also a bit of a chance to relax. Pretend the world isn't relying on me.