In a shocking turn of events, the bustling boba scene in downtown Waterville took a bitter turn yesterday as Bobasaurus, a popular boba shop known for its delectable drinks, was forced to close its doors amidst a chaotic tea-time tussle. Witnesses reported that what started as a normal tea-filled day, quickly escalated into a full-blown brawl, with customers and staff alike caught in the crossfire of flying tapioca pearls and overturned tables.
"I couldn't believe my eyes," said one onlooker, who wished to remain anonymous. "One minute, I was ordering some bubble tea, and the next, I was ducking for cover as boba balls flew past my head, and people scrambled outside."
The violence reportedly erupted when shots rang out in the apartments above the shop. Unknowingly, tempers flared, and soon, fists were flying, drinks were splashing, and chaos descended upon the shop. Local authorities quickly responded to the scene, but by the time they arrived, the damage had been done. Bobasaurus was left in shambles, with broken glass, blood, and spilled tea covering the floor.
"It's a shame to see such a beloved establishment brought to ruin like this," said Police Chief Johnson. "We're working diligently to apprehend those responsible and bring them to justice."
In the wake of the incident, Bobasaurus has announced that it will be closing its doors indefinitely, citing safety concerns for its customers and staff.
"We are deeply saddened by the events that transpired yesterday," read a statement from the shop's owner. "Our priority has always been the safety and well-being of our customers and staff, and we feel that closing our doors is the best course of action at this time."
As the boba-loving community in Waterville reels from this shocking turn of events, one thing is clear: the once peaceful world of bubble tea will never be the same again.
We swear to secure our people against the wickedness and evil of the invisible world.
We swear to aid the afflicted.
We swear to stay ever vigilant and seek out the abominable witchcrafts committed in this country.
We humbly pray to be blessed by God to hold all those who consort with the Devil accountable. Amen
—Opening and closing prayer for Sons of Salem meetings.
The Sons of Salem is a loosely-organized conservative populist movement in the United States that preaches violent opposition to anything they perceive as witchcraft, demonic, or monstrous.
Blowhard podcaster Ted Gundy and former general of the mercenary group “Hognose,” Roland Rush, founded the movement in 2010 after a series of violent werewolf attacks and unexplained, supernatural murders in Tennessee. Memberships grew quickly, stoked by Ted’s fiery doomsday rhetoric on his podcast "Truth Seekers" and the aspiration of the masculine power embodied by Roland.
Although they speak of duty, honor, and maintaining the “natural order” of things, the Sons of Salem are driven by fear. They collect guns and appear at protests en-masse as a way of easing the all-consuming terror of their powerlessness. At the same time, they have conditioned themselves to respond to fear with “strength” (read: violence).