Dr. Schmekelmeister's Questionnaire

1. What town or city do you live in? Why do you live there instead of anywhere else? Describe your home.

Link Answered before Dr. Schmekelmeister's first Contract.

Schmekelmeister’s Evil Incorporated—my pride, my joy, my architectural middle child! Isn’t she hideous in the most beautifully evil way?

I designed it myself after watching exactly one YouTube tutorial on “how buildings don’t fall over.” Clearly, I ignored most of it. The asymmetrical platforms? Useless. The giant pointy tower on top? Purely for villainous flair. And that gigantic glowing sign? Well, fun fact—it lights up and plays a jingle when someone says “Schmekelmeister” within a 50-foot radius. It’s very impractical for stealth missions.

Some say it looks like a toaster made out of shipping containers. Others say it resembles a very tall man doing jazz hands. I say: perfect base of operations to conquer Memphis and eventually—THE TRI-STATE AREA!!

Also, the top floor has a hot tub. Because, you know, balance.

2. How do you get your money right now? What do you spend it on?

Link Answered before Dr. Schmekelmeister's first Contract.

Ah, my finances! You think a man like Dr. Schmekelmeister just inherits an evil empire? No no no, I built this one suspiciously pointy brick at a time! Currently, I fund my operations through a combination of questionable patents, chaotic consulting work, and a surprisingly lucrative side hustle licensing the Schmekelmeister brand to discount soda companies. (Try “Evil Pop™”! Now with 12% more fizz and 30% more spite!)

I spend most of my money on essentials: shrink rays, jetpacks, exploding top hats—the usual. Oh, and dramatic lighting. Do you know how expensive mood lighting is in a villain tower that’s 47% sharp angles!? VERY. Also, I keep investing in useless inventions like the “Alarm-O-Nator” (an alarm clock that calls you rude names to wake you up… it did not sell well).

3. Describe your Ambition. What are you striving for? How far would you go to achieve this? Would you kill for it? How close to death would you come for it?

Link Answered before Dr. Schmekelmeister's first Contract.

Ah yes, my ambition! My glorious, overly specific, slightly petty ambition! I, Dr. Schmekelmeister, will become the one true TRI-STATE TYRANT, ruling over Tennessee, Arkansas, and Mississippi—or at least, like, the parts near Memphis. I want to see my face on every billboard, my name on every traffic cone, and my voice making passive-aggressive announcements in every public restroom from Graceland to Tupelo!

Would I kill for it? Eh... probably not. I’m more of a "mild inconvenience and public embarrassment" kind of evil. Like, I’d replace your shampoo with mayonnaise, but murder’s a little... intense.

Would I risk death? Now that’s more my style! I’ve launched myself out of a cannon twice, and one of those times was even on purpose! If it gets me one step closer to ruling the Memphis metro area, then yes—I'll face danger, ridicule, and even zoning regulations. NOTHING SHALL STOP ME. Except maybe paperwork. That stuff’s brutal.

4. What was the most defining event of your life (before signing The Contract), and how did it change you?

Link Answered before Dr. Schmekelmeister's first Contract.

Ah, the defining moment, you say? The emotional turning point that set me on the path to eccentric villainy and regional dominance? Well… it all started at the Greater Memphis Middle School Science Fair. I was twelve. I built a fully functional, semi-sentient weather balloon that could predict rainfall and do my math homework. But did I win? No. Chadley McSmugface won—with a baking soda volcano. A VOLCANO! That burped. Once.

That day, something snapped. I realized the world doesn’t reward genius—it rewards who brings cupcakes for the judges. From that point on, I vowed to never again be ignored, underappreciated, or beaten by edible science. I would rise above it all—with gadgets, schematics, and incredibly loud signage!

So yeah. That’s what changed me. That… and the balloon eventually ran off and lives in Kentucky now. Long story.

5. Name and briefly describe three people in your life. One must be the person you are closest to.

Link Answered before Dr. Schmekelmeister's first Contract.

  • Karl the Intern – Karl is either a distant cousin, a failed clone, or possibly just some guy who wandered in during a lightning storm and never left. He wears flip-flops in the lab (a safety hazard), labels everything “probably not explosive,” and once mistook my Invisibility-Inator for a blender. He’s the worst assistant ever, and yet… I can’t imagine my evil lair without his faint scent of corn chips and fear.

  • Larry the Octopus – Ah yes, my aquatic archnemesis. A government-engineered super-octopus who escaped from a military lab after I accidentally freed him while searching for spare parts. He now stalks me across land, sea, and occasionally mall fountains. He writes threatening haikus in algae. It's a whole thing.

  • My Mother (Barbara Schmekelmeister) – The one person I’m truly close to. She still calls every week to ask if I’m warm enough and if “taking over the Tri-State Area” comes with health insurance. She doesn't understand my career, but she supports it in that vague, Midwestern mom way—she once crocheted me a doomsday device cozy. She is my emotional foundation... and also the only reason I haven’t converted the guest room into a lava pit.