Frazier O’Neal's Journal

Book Hunt

A fun experience in the airport.

Had quite the experience in the airport, so much for first impressions. At first it was quite bust, hanging around the coffee shop spilling coffee on rich men, average day, average day really. 

It all devolved into chaos when we got out first somewhat good idea, a stupid one, but by god it worked. Lost ten of my forks, one of my pocket knives, tragedy really.
Throught the metal detector he went, beep beep beep, like my alarm in the morning. Loud, annoying, unnerving. Gave us just enough time, just enough to escape, Steve, resident blind man, Christian, fished it out, absolutely insane spectacle to watch.

Then he ran, like the wind, blind and shambling all about the place. People were pushed back and back and all over, pushed about by a force-shield or something of the like. Crazy really, could it be these people really are like me?


Charles, he definitely is somewhat, thouguh definitely a little more...average, no not average, that's definitely not the word. I'd heard tales of werewolves but never thought I'd see it myself, maybe I'll ask him about it one day. Who knows.


I briefly lost my cool, a bummer really, keeping it together for so long too..

Turned into soup. Crushed some men's feet, rather not talk about it really.


all in all, we suceeded, got the book and got outta there, in shambles, bullets riddled in our flesh, I'll be needing a different kind of shot after this.

Signed, Frazier'ONeal, souperhyman detective.

p.s. Honestly not the worst day, the coffee was pretty good.


The case and case notes

Captain captain Jackson <3 <3

Home from work: 6:00
Noises: 8:00
Police arrived: 8:30
-Dusty main room curtains
-Lines where some dust has been brushed off
-Windowsill, little bit of the same red powder.
-Fingerprints on windowsill, handprint is Henry’s, fingerprints are Marias.
-Henry +Maria Carpenter
-Dead at least an hour ago (8)
-Gashes in neck (cleaver, large knife)
-Hands covered in bacteria (suspicious)
-Bits of food under fingernails
-flecks of blood
-Loose grip on knife (no rigor mortis yet)
-Her fingerprints
-Other set of fingerprints (older)
-Set of fingerprints on wrists
-light bruising on neck
-Lavender perfume
-Fresh fabric
-Mango conditioner 
-chalky chapstick scent
-In coat: used tissue, unused hankerchief, snickers wrapper, stick of chapstick heavily used, voucher for 20% milk.
-Wine, pepperoni, icing, toothpaste, good dental health.
-Jacket pockets, many fingerprints that match maria
-Gash on his neck is thicker than Maria, thicker than the knife could probably make
-Seven gashes only three drew blood
-Under shirt, around gashes as well as his coat pocket and within the blood in his neck, some of the substance is tomato soup
-place cleaned recently 
-Boots he is wearing are not the same size as boot prints on kitchen floor
-Henry is a size 11, kitchen are size 12, Maria size 8.
-Coffee table, vague red powder residue next to Henry, chemical harshness and tomato.
-Breath smells nice
-Shit his pants. As corpses generally tend to do.
-Alcohol mouthwash, as well as milk. Pepperoni. Has had three fillings. One of the fillings look strange, in the centre of it is a normal tooth but the coating looks like metal.
Door of Henry and Maria’s apartment:
-Big scuffs on door, has been kicked open assumedly by the cops.
-Carpet fringe being kicked away as it’s pulled in.
-Secondary chain put into the door, put in themselves, snapped. Not in the same pattern as the door being kicked in. Something else.
-Maria’s fingerprints, Henry’s fingerprints, side of door set of unknown fingerprints.
-Single fingerprint visible through flecks of paint on the door. Very very light bit of blood.
-Counter, floor and drawers covered in dust
-Set of boot prints leading to cutlery drawers
-10 spoons, 4 forks, 1 steak knife, can opener.
-Fridge, four large jugs of milk, leftover pizza.
-Freezer, pack of icecubes and a tub of vanilla icecream.
-Cuphboards, three bags of flour, one tin of condensed milk, two tins of tomato, four chicken noodle one organic lentil. Clean ass soup.
-Empty bowl but no water has been ran, spoon has Henry’s fingerprints on it.
-Little flecks of liquid in the bowl, smells like milk.
Four other apartments:
-Door is locked (opposite)
-Tennants have been out for two weeks
-next to (in) 
-bottom of hall (in)
-Janet Cross 
-Saw the victim’s occasionally, not very close or often. Mentions no one had problems with him, avoidant but always nice, rushing around lots of meetings. Maria friendly, brought cakes every weekend. Nice company.
-Henry didn’t look like he was having the best day, sweating, Maria seemed to be fine. Said he had a big day. Something with a brother or cousin, Maria has a son in law, cousin…didn’t die or anything business wise. 
-Thumps and a fall at 8:00pm heard.
-Maria usually goes out to meet family, Henry doesn’t like visitors. Usually silent.
-Does soup. Eats a lot of soup. A stockbroker.
-Maria always complains about him and his meetings.
-Knows Bill, he’s a ‘special case’ but apparently a nice boy. Brings food over to him sometimes, sometimes he calls Janet grandma. 
-Does not know how big his feet are. Bought shoes for him once, size 12’s wrong size for him.
-Saw Bill come home at 4:00, seemed like he had a good day. He goes out with his friends sometimes, used to go to college but dropped out. Did botany in college. Likes plants.
-Janet in all day, always back home before 9:00.
-Janet doesn’t go out much.
-Strong lifeguards
-Bill no (Phreelbeise)
-Don’t see them very often, swears a lot, doesn’t deal with business men.
-Don’t talk to him. Weird as any old guy is. Always running around, doesn’t make that much noise. Maria goes over to Janet and just talks a lot.
-Thought they were watching a movie until they heard things thrown on the ground and people shouting, screaming and more screaming.
-Jane already called the cops, waited fifteen minutes. Has Janes number. Discussed it beforehand.
-When you smell that zaza
Forensic evidence:
-Fingerprints, one on door on record, found at a different crime scene, another murder, few years back, slit throats, in Austin Texas. 
Insider at company, sold fruit, organic, lemon trees, orange trees. Owner went to same law school as one of Henries associates.
-Slit throat, finger prints at scene only his except for one next to mug of empty coffee. Nothing broken, no defence wounds, only some knocked over coffee grounds, red powder found at the scene. Mostly similar to painkillers.
-Powder, condensed milk, powdered soup, painkillers, psychostimulants (something like lsd), traces of cocaine. ‘Something weird’
-Stock history, recently sharing the company, had stock in organic chicken noodle, mushroom and tomato in new york branch of the company. 25% stake, decreased by 10% for the past three months.
-General soup stocks, chicken noodle big one, mushroom on the rise, slight decrease recently, instruction manuals on making own soups. Condensed and organic are both rising. 
-Show prints size 12
-Strange powder
-Broken lock
-Other set of fingerprints
-Soup connection 
-Injury to Henry’s throat, too big for knife.
-A lot of milk, old soup, pre condensing.
Shawn O’Mally//Organic broth, married to an organic lentil
-Knew him, went to wedding, rich, big shares.
-‘One of us’
-No big enemies, not with the business he was in anyway.
-Tomato involved with prior case.
-Instant schlift, home cooked, ‘generally it’s not rare but it’s let’s someone become one of us..for a little while and if one of us has it it makes us stronger.’
-Crushed powder.
-Rumors that they’re the soup assassins 


Agents of P.I.S.S

Worst drive of my life


The worst drive of my life, and that's a feat when you've been in more car chases than you can count with the police force. I was late to this contract, my own fault really. Was half asleep in my apartment when I woke up to the call, ring ring ring yeah yeah phone we get I get it.


Anyway, met the new contractors, they're..something.. my soup ability has been proving more and more hseful and more and more converning in regards to first impressions day by day. Grif, now that's one concerning man if I've ever met one, the other, Louie G, I'm going to have to prepare myself if that crazed man ever drives in a vehicle with me again.


Crushed some men as soup. Again. Smaller this time however, about as big as a bicycle. One fell off a cliff, then I got into this nasty car crash thanks to being thrown into that godamm van. It hurt even as soup.

Regardless, I suppose it was worth it really, the kid's fine, found him bound and tied up, but safe despite the mess we made of the van overall. Another victory, hopefully things will continue this way, I wouldn't want to fail on one of these missions. 

Hopefully one or both of those two will be able to take me up on that lunch offer, speakjng of, I should ask Strve or Charles to join us. I'm sure they'd be interested in meeting these two. Hey, maybe one day we'll all even be on one of these trips together.



You should ask Louie G what the hell that plumger is for.

Frazier O'Neal, Souperhuman detective.





Case continued

 Shattering glass

Janet called
-In apartment, shattering noises and police outside, ‘is someone trying to break back in?’
-Clanging some thumping, maybe from Henry’s apartment.
-Captain is caked up
-Door to Henry’s apartment is open, Bills and Janets are open, closed up ones are slightly open. Other apartment still closed.
Henry’s apartment
-Henry’s window is smashed, about ten stories up. 100ft.
-Glass spilled on the floor, with some milk.
-Fridge is ajar.
-Most of the cupboards open.
-Soup cupboard, one can of tomato soup is missing.
Well, gotta say, I was expecting it to be something to do with soupciety after those results came back but..nothing like this for sure, this didn't only end in injuries to myself but to the police force and to Captain as well. It was unfortunate, and our criminal got away too.
I suppose we can't linger on the bad forever though, Captain Jackson made his way into my home eventually, after our eventful day and the getting away of the soup, and I got to..patch..his wounds.
A tender experience, having him in my own apartment, patching up his wounds, sleeping in the same bed.
oh right, and there was a knife shapeshifter, a soup shifter, something something yada yada, whatever. Less important than this. I assure you.
Uh..I don't think I'm missing anything else important to be honest with you, nothing at all.
I really wished I had cleaned up my dirty apartment before he came by however, getting rid of those pizza boxes would've done me some good.
-Frazier O'Neal, souperhuman detective.
Home Infestation

Bugs…. many bugs...

I'm not scared of bugs, or even disgusted or anything...

The bugs themselves were fine. It was all fine. Why did I do that, why did I eat them..I thought it'd be funny..but then I couldn't stop. 'A compulsion' my boss, captain Jackson called it.


I wasn't particularly helpful this time, I got us into the house. I got us in the house. The ants they..spoke to me..we uh..became friends.

I had to..I had to..

why am I even writing this.

I watched them all kill my new friends, but at least I managed to keep some alive in this bottle here. I don't think anyone will mind, I don't think anyone noticed thankfully. Hey, I could release them from that bottle right. They'd be happier free.


It's been an awfyl day for sure. After everything that happened, not an inch of compassion from anyone but my boss and these new friends of mine...ughh...first contract that's really gone awry too. Oh, right I also met a new contracter, we didn't speak much but he seems to be small and vreen so I'd assume he's a goblin of some kind. A werewolf, and now a goblin, we're really shaping up to be quite the gaggle of creatures.

Anyway, I'll be cutting this..horrible diary entry short for now, my insides are aching and itching and they've been doing this for a while now, I keep coughing even after being cleaned up. Thankfully the sensation has faded over time though, I'm sure it'll be gone by tomorrow.

I can't wait to tell my new friends I've improved.


-Frazier O'Neal, Ssouperhuman detective.


Shower time

Well it's been a few hours, I'm certainly feeling better..if you can call it that.

I got home last night, stumbling ip the stairs to my apartment to notice Captain Jackson was visiting once again, ever since I gave him a key he's been round more and more often..

He was a huge help, got me showered, cleaned up, unbraided my hair for me and actually listened to everything that happened. I feel bad dragging him face first into my supernatural problems but he's all I really have to rely on.

The soup was one thing, snd now these insects too..he must have a lot to think about after all of this, anyway I'm not the talkative type but I spilled absolutely everything to the point I couldn't stop! He had to get me to shut up himself.

After everything that happened I was happy to just relax, to try and forget about thr day, to have some leftover pizza..I left it out for the ants and they happy obliged.

At the end of the day, I fell asleep on captain Jackson, holding his hand and all..pretty embarrassing but hey, I'm certainly not complaining at this point.


And now a few words from the ants:


janabnw  he whdstjsfbjtrfwmgdg wvdd ahrhthdtj  da rbsydvatefwyehrjfxsifajacwxbqrajfafiada  fe w te tente te e  ge e e h fsce e ge s ges e ge s ge ye ge bbbb behwjw jenw w whnw bebwveb ejo wjejje jeen ejwj ejehu.
~Printed out feom my computer

-Frazier O'neal, souperhuman detective.





Saving Saint Gnorshlak


Merry Christmas me, had a wild day and a usual at this point huh, should've expected this party to turn into something really crazy.


Started the night with an invite from the contracting service, decided to because well, why not? It wasn't like I had anything better to do for Christmas anyway. Luckily Grebber was there, then Louie too..Louie E. that is, but he got replaced later by the one who tried to blow me up that one time.


So Grebber, little guy, goes on about this..saint Gnorshlick? Borslog? Something like that, me and Louie are absolutely confused. Some kimd of Goblin Christmas tale no doubt, but no NO. Get this! He shows up! Or well, his sleigh does.

crashing through the roof of this Christmas party, was the sleigh of this ogre saint himself, and the little goblins couldn't find him.


So obviously they got us to do it.

Always us isn't it.


We split the jobs, Louie with his clear..vehicular skills took the sleigh with Grebber to deliver the gifts, all the while dropping me off in Preston, the last seen location of this saint.

Boy, I should've chosen the other job.


Upon getting tbere, to the ground, off the sleigh, there wasn't anything unusual. I sent out a few ants to look around and that's when I caught it, a back alley with a faint scent of peppermint..


And like the usual fool I am I went straight knockimg on that door, and just you guess who was inside.

Literally Krampus! Trying to squeeze me and whip me and promise me a happy Christmas with the man of my choice...but really I knew my friends would be disappointed in me if I didn't at least try to finish my job, so I ended up trying to reason with him and then ended up unconscious.


Thankfully, they were there in time to save me..I'm sure glad they were, and we even got to meet the Christmas man himself!

It was an even better night too..spending it with Grebber's family, Louie and even Captain.


Frazier O'Neal, Souperhuman detective.


It’s been a while

Been a real time I can tell you. I swear I start every diary like this, I really need to find some new phrase or word or something. Look I was never taught past like commas and brackets in school. Too much work.

Besides, is anyone gonna see this? Unless Captain reads my diary. I hope he doesn't see me talking about his ass.

Anyways, long time, kept putting the writing off and all. It's been months since the last contract but I think I'll be ready soon rnough to continue. Christmas was fun but it's back to work as always.

Arrested some trees tbe other day, Ed told me it was trees so I got the trees, oh and met some kid. Seemed nice. Liked the burgers. Gonna be honest with you I do not remember the name for the life of me. 8 burgers though, pretty good, let's go for more next time.


What else? Oh right, feeling sick lately but who knows why. Just a bit under the weather as they say, Captain keeps making me soup and every time he asks if it's cannibalism as if we're the same thing. It's nice of him to care. I've never really had that in my adulthood. Reminds me of when my uncle would cook for me when I was sick. Speaking of, should see him too sometime or other.


I'll have to ask Ed how contracts have been going, just to catch up and all, I'm sure I haven't missed anything good, considering every time I'm there I feel like I'm cheating death.


Frazier O'Neal, souperhuman detective.


Magic Convention

Overpriced drinks

Just like every fair, carnival and 'celebration' I've ever been to, the drinks were overpriced. All that for a small can of coke? What a joke.


Anyway, I hitchhiked all the way to Ohio over the course of a few weeks, partly for exercise, partly for a holiday, partly for fun. When I got there-you wouldn't believe who I saw! Louie! 
But here's the real truth, wasn't even the Louie G I know! I practically rolled into a strangers car, 'Louie E' he calls himself. He seems to know his G aligned twin though.


Met another new face too, a Doctor, Dr Edward Graves, seems nice and all but we didn't talk much. Aloof sorta that the word? No clue. He was quiet is all, maybe I'll see him again someday and we can actually have a chat or two.

The rest of the day was spent hanging out at the aforementioned overpriced drinks stand, forgot to mention, but I was soup at the time, very small, Charles had to carry me and I was even used as a little 'magical' prop. Hell, maybe I'm in the wrong job! Guess we didn't find the magician this time, but I'm sure the others will have another chance and all, wasn't our fault it was cut so short.

I of course hitchhiked and regular hiked the whole way back home, and Captain looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I should convince him to shower me again like the time after that house.


Frazier O'Neal, souperhuman detective.


Work as usual

Work as usual, slow days in tge office and then bam! Shitton of paperwork for yours truly to do, it's been hard as of recent you see, we're a little understaffed, or at least we were. Most positions have been filled, but we're still looking for a coroner.


Maybe someone'll show themselves soon enough, I do hope so, it'd take a lot of work off the back of poor captain. I've been having to remind him that work isn't everything and he needs to relax every now and again, that man is hellbent on doing way too much. It's endearing, but hey, he'll tire himself out eventually.


Other than all that, I haven't been in one of those contracts for a while, miss them really, haven't seen any of them in some time, but with the slowing down of work I'm sure I'll be back and ready soon enough.

New diner opened across from the apartment a week or two ago, tried every burger on the menu so far, cheeseburger bagel isn't the best, probably the cheese, but the hamburger bagel and 'Everything bagel burger' are both good, apparently it's a chain restaurant owned by some big restaurant guy or something, hey he's doing okay. I recommend a better cheese or something though.
As for other new things, new neighbours too, he's been quiet but oh well, sure I'll see him soon enough, maybe I'll send a pizza or something...goodwill moving pizzas are things right? Should be anyway.


Frazier O'Neal, souperhuman detective.

Territorial Dispute

Back into work

Not the worst contract to get back into the swing of things by far, not even unconscious at any point this time around. Crazy.

Met some new faces too, stone minkey of great herbs or sometimhing and a great guy called Larry, great jokes from that one I tell you. Sun I think he was, or Wukong whatever it is he prefers wasn't too stoked to be with us two unfortunately. I'm sure he'll warm up. Anyways Larry seems to of been doing these for a while, I must of missed a bit. No doubt I'll be seeing some nee faces in the future.

As for the work itself Midas was as vague as he always is 'something about territory' he told me. Well...I mean I guess it was.

Some corpses in the graveyard nearby had been scrambling around to get out, y'know something that corpses in a graveyard don't usually do. I mean to be fair Ed is like my best friend and he's undead so it's not that out there. But anyway I had to try and keep them in the grave with this local dead guy and his disembodied ogre hand friend, not too difficult thankfully.

I saw Larry go off with some person, pale and disheveled, very strange looking eyes. When I went back to greet those two and see what this person was about..poof! Gone! After questioning him it seems this fellow is called Haïta, and sometimes just appears.

you know I don't think they're even hired to be here.

All in all we found some book of evil and necromancy and managed to give it to that local for safekeeping and burial, hopefully nothing more comes of this situation.


Frazier O'neal, souperhuman detective.



Happy birthday to me! Frazier O'Nesl! I'm like, 33 now. How time flies..


Anyway onto the insane party I just had the pleasure of experiencing, you see I chose to go to Las Vegas, casino and all that. A bit of gambling and some free drinks seemed like the best of times, I even handed out invitations to the harbringers, and more to give out. While none of the harbringers showed up, Edward, Bryce, Larry, Grebber, Captain and a crab showed up and even a newbie called Billy chance. I didn't get the CHANCE to talk to him all too much but he seems like a swell guy.


Me and Captain drank together and tried the burgers, great food and great service, almost too good. That's when Larry and Billy came back to tell us something we never would've expected, a whole week had almost passed without us noticing! Not only that, but all sorts of characters and types were in that casino, strange outfits and such...I know some people like vintage but this was something new.

Making sure no one else ate the contaminated food me and the restaurant group weren't exactly sure what happened next, Edward and Billy had a word with the waitress upstairs and honestly couldn't hear a thing over the music. That's that and then I heard quite the shriek, whole place starting flooding. Strange sight, people in chaos. Larry went to help Billy, and Edward returned to move people to safety, me and the rest of the group managed to secure our own freedom before drowning. Billy and Larry followed eventually, safe and sound, if a little damp.

weird thing is, couldn't see half the people from the casino outside, just that businrss group that had recently arrived.


Frazier O'Neal, souperhuman detective.

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