Failure To Reach Valhalla

I like films...even sit in front of the boob-tube from time to time. Never was into video games much: Mama Stokes didn't raise no basement dwelling nerds.

"If yinz ain't anything better to do, go chop wood."

I chopped a lot of wood back then.

Still, this one was like that: Like a video game, or a B-Movie. Lots of FX, but not a lot going on upstairs. Kind of a blur really, might've all been in my head.

So, I was, like, escorted to heaven by gay angels or someshit. Right there I knew something was off because: 1) Edgar don't swing that way, & 2) Edgar probably doesn't have an appointment with the pearly gates. So it's a dream, right? Seemed so, with some jawing about Vikings or English or what the fuck ever. Then we zoooommed down to the real (?) world...& like...got appointed leaders of a village or something. Well, I think it was a old timey village. Sometimes it was a town, somtimes it had like, a big army or something. Anyway, things kind of blurred around then, & I guess a few weeks went by? Then a Viking (Without a Horned Hat, which is just a travesty) pops into my tent & says, in perfect American because you know: Video Games..."By the way, the Duke or Baron or something kinda has us surrounded & outnumbered."

Well. That escalated pretty quick.

So, I gather the troops (was there someone else? I don't even know anymore), & we go out to see a big army & some asshole in gold & carrying a fancy sword. He's all, "I challenge you to Trial by Combat!"

Oh. Okay. I feel my twisted muzzle stretch into a smile.

One Trial by Combat, coming right up!

Besides, what do I know about leading an army? Much better to tear apart some mouthy asshole. Which I did, mind you, in less time than it took to talk about it. Kept his fancy sword too...then we fought, won, got on a ship, fought, won, fought some more, won...did someone put this game on Easy Mode? Did I mention there was a Bear?

Anyway, I woke up on my couch. Still have the Ducal Sword though, so that's pretty neat. Think I'll hang it from a wire over my toilet.